my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize