either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize