I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize