i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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