I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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