If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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