Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
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That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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