She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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