my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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