This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize