Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
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He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
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Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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