Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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