Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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