Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
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Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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