After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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