Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize