Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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