and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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