my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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