running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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