Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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