My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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