I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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