he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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