Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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