I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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