my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
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You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
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Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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