I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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