You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
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Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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