Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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