i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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