My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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