I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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