I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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