apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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