I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize