Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
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I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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