Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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