Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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