trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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