I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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