Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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