Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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