there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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