he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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