the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
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I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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