I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just invented taco cereal.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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