Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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