my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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