I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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